veritas expostus fulgore

Odi et Amo

ahnulus — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 16:17:06 +0000

You inspire me to write,
yet I write suffering of you.
Your words pierce me of
the golden arrow and
the leaden arrow.
You claim your words are
all you have,
but what you don’t know is that
You have me;
You have always had me.

I suffer
wondering if those words you write,
those tender, loving Words you write
are about me or someone else.
(I ask despite seeming conceited)

You say you crave,
but I crave you more.
I want you I need you
Here
Here in my life.
Please don’t walk away.
Please don’t leave me sitting here on the curb,
waiting for you to come back.
Even the tiniest bit of hope keeps me
Waiting.
Waiting.
Every face I see,
Every light that flickers,
I look up hoping thinking that
You’ve come back to me at last.
But you haven’t.

I wander,
Kissing every body I see,
Hoping that it’s yours;
Imagining it is yours.
but none can be as you.
You dragged my heart away with you;
My heart caught on the seam of your coat,
and you dragged it away with you,
Unknowingly
I didn’t know you had it
Until I tried to give it away.
I searched and I searched.
I thought I could get by without it.
But my heart still beat to your verse.
You still have it somewhere I know
Maybe you haven’t found it yet;
Maybe you’re ignoring it.
Well,

You can have it.
You can have it and
the rest of my body my soul my mind
Take it all with my love, and
Take me with you.

Let us go to a place where
No words
No words can
Disturb us.
Where there are no words.
Nothing for you to cling onto
Except me.
Nothing for you to have
But me.

I’m sorry if I sound a bit selfish,
but your words are
the Thorn and the Rose.
They impale me with hope.
Please. Come back to me.
Please. Know me once more.
Please.
Love

God Loves Fags and Everyone Else, Too (Even the Haters!)

ahnulus — Thu, 05 May 2011 00:16:23 +0000

“God Hates Fags” is the mantra central to the notoriously hateful Westboro Baptist Church, which is actually not affiliated with any Baptist convention or associations and rejected by even mainstream Primitive Baptists. Of course, WBC protests almost every possible group of people imaginable, including other Christianities, so that could possibly be why no one really likes the WBC.
More generally, however, every anti-LGBT argument seems to be based on some part of Christianity. The anti-LGBT activists cite God, Jesus, the Bible, Christian morality, or some combination of all those things to argue against equality for LGBTQ people. But why does Christianity seem to oppose the LGBTQ people so much? Does it really, though?
Where better to look for an answer than the Bible. The classic verse always cited by anti-queer arguers is Leviticus 18:22, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” To an untrained mind, this passage seems to clearly ban homosexual acts. But once we put it into context, it seems to tell a different story. Leviticus 18:21–23:
And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Moloch, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD. Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion (KJ).
Historical evidence suggests that the cult of Moloch included male cult prostitution and bestiality. Ultimately, what God is condemning in Lev. 18:22 is not a blanket homosexuality, but rather any kind of worship of a false god. In fact, upon reexamining this passage in Hebrew, the word translated as “abomination” – toevah – is not perfectly translatable into English. It simply indicates something not intrinsically evil, but rather something ritually unclean for the Jews, such as eating pork and shellfish, and trimming beards. Mainly, such ritual laws were used to distinguish the Hebrew people from their pagan neighbors.
In applying to Christianity, however, these laws become outdated and defunct. Even Apostle Paul, the greatest Christian missionary who wrote at least seven epistles in the New Testament, writes repeatedly that Christians should distinguish themselves from the Jewish people by divorcing themselves from all ritual laws like trimming beards and sacrificing animals to God. In place of all these laws, Jesus gave onto the Christians the Commandment of Love (Matthew 22:36–40). Most, if not all, of Leviticus no longer applies to Christians.
Then perhaps an anti-gay Christian practitioner may pull another passage from the New Testament, one that appears to be very obviously against homosexuality: 1 Corinthians 6:9-10:
Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God (NIV 2011).
“Men who have sex with men” seems to have a very clear target. But once again, let’s put it into context. 1 Corinthians 6:11 – “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” So it seems that homosexuality is not some horrible crime that no one can recover from. However, this passage spurs on much of the ex-gay “conversions,” which is psychically traumatic for the people who go through it, forced suppress their true sense of self.
Have the gays been completely defeated by these passages? Should we just give up now, go to a church, and pray our gay away? Not quite. Actually, not at all because Paul did not write what the modern English Bible says.
The original Greek reads “ἢ οὐκ οἴδατε ὅτι ἄδικοι θεοῦ βασιλείαν οὐ κληρονομήσουσιν; μὴ πλανᾶσθε: οὔτε πόρνοι οὔτε εἰδωλολάτραι οὔτε μοιχοὶ οὔτε μαλακοὶ οὔτε ἀρσενοκοῖται.” The translation for most of the passage is clear: πόρνοι (pornoi) means prostitutes, and μοιχοὶ (moichoi) is very commonly used to mean adulterer. However, there are two words that are suspect: μαλακοὶ (malakoi) and ἀρσενοκοῖται (arsenokoitai). Malakoi literally means “men who are soft.” Upon examining other usages of this word in other Hellenistic contexts, as well as the sermons of the early church fathers, malakoi referred to those who are morally weak, not the effeminate. There were already two words set aside just to refer to effeminacy: “thelubrios” and “androgunos,” so it seems absurd to think that Paul would suddenly use this new word to refer to something that has been referred to by two other words for centuries before him.
Arsenokoitai is far less clear. This word was created by Paul in this passage. The only recorded historic usage of this word is twice in the Bible, both instances written by Paul. Etymologically, arsen means “of men”; koitai means “beds.” What the word as a whole truly means is a mystery. Perhaps it meant pedophiles; perhaps pimps; perhaps rapists; perhaps sex slaves. No one can really tell. One thing is certain though: it is not a blanket term for all homosexuals. First, it only refers to men, not women. Second, in context of the rest of the passage, it seems to mean some sort of a sexual offense, not a general behavior. From these evidences, Paul does not condemn homosexuality as whole.
Of course, there are many other passages in the Bible that seem to condemn homosexuality. However, all of them can be disputed in such a manner. Fundamentally, God is Love, and Jesus preached Love for All. The most un-Christian thing to do is not to be a homosexual, but rather to hate. Saying that God hates anyone is fundamentally and most basically against God Himself and everything that the religion teaches. No one deserves to be denied the Love of God, or whatever other spiritual or nonspiritual beliefs they follow based solely on a small part of their full identity.

Stream of Consciousness about the Storm

ahnulus — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 01:25:23 +0000

All this dihydrogen oxide falling from the sky
with a probability of acid deposition
makes my heart beat along to the drip-drop of rain
pitter-patter of water hitting water
water wells up in the shallow dips of the road
of the sidewalk
where people rush by to avoid the water
or men waltz slowly
to show their “manliness”
in the end,
the storm cleanses all:
the earth, our souls.

The chaos outside calms me inside

I think storms show
The insignificance of humanity
No matter how great we think we are,
Nature always has the upper hand.
It’s a theme explored by many,
And yet accepted by few.

Sometimes, there’s a certain comfort in
Insignificance, smallness
The infinitude in the infinitesimal

Have you ever just stared up at the rain as it showered your eyes?
It’s a challenge to keep your eyes open,
but I’m sure you can.
It’s beautiful.

Call me a romantic, but
There’s something magical about
Two people standing in rain
arm over shoulder
the awkward touch
near tangible tension
until the wind brings them together
the cool rain wraps them in
warmth of each other
Embrace.
Kiss.
Love.

Then the lightening awakens me.

Hello world

ahnulus — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 03:02:20 +0000

I haven’t posted anything in a while. I guess I have to post things online to be considered alive these days. So especially since I don’t have much of a presence here on WordPress, I’ll post this little thing:

Your soft skin,
Those little freckles.
Your perfect eyes behind
Those smart glasses.
I see your every eyelash.
Your youthful, taut skin
Under my fingertips.
Those perfect lips
Against mine,
Red, flush with
Hot blood
Rushing through your veins.
Your prickly hair.
Touch.
I feel it all
I love it all.
I love every part of you.
My body against yours.

We feel each other’s heartbeat.
Love pulsing into Love.
Absolute trust and care:
Love.

That’s not the whole poem. Just the beginning of it. If You read that, well… that really is how I feel about you.

I don’t know

ahnulus — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 14:33:17 +0000

I have been unfeeling for quite a while. The last time I can really remember feeling anything was when Colin died. That was the 5 stages of dying. But last night, I dreamt something that made me remember what I’m missing. And what so many seek, and never get. Love. Now, don’t make me tell you what it is, and certainly don’t tell me what it is. All I know about it is the warm fuzzy feeling inside. And honestly, that’s all that anyone should ever know about it. Defining and confining such a nebulous emotion just kills it. It’s like trying to explain a joke after you tell it; it’s not funny anymore.
But just because I remember that I don’t have it doesn’t mean I’m now going around searching every nook and cranny for it. I’ve been living like this, with a hole in my heart, long enough to be fine with it. I am Zen. I’m satisfied with my place in life and trust that I will get to where I need to go when I let go. Letting go is the most important and the most difficult thing to do in life. We are born into attachment. We come out of the womb still attached to our mothers. Then the umbilical cord is cut, and we spend the rest of our lives desperately seeking that connection, that attachment, that oneness with another. We either find it and die, or die trying.
But I’ve let go. I no longer seek that attachment. I simply have faith. I don’t want to spend my life chasing after shadows and ideas. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Because I don’t feel, I’ve let go. It doesn’t really matter.
In the end, I’m not saying I’m deficient. I’m just not desperate. And I guess, I really don’t know.

This is Not a Goodbye, But (Parts II, III, and IV)

ahnulus — Mon, 24 May 2010 04:00:25 +0000

II
It’s about one moment
When the two meet:
New and Old,
Past and Future,
bitter and sweet,
laughing and crying,
joy and sorrow.

Now.
The moment
it all becomes clear,
and there’s nothing to fear;
when the door to a new world opens
with the old world behind us.

Should we look back?
Should we look forward?
I don’t know.

Just when we can see clearly,
the sky changes.

Our lives may not be what we planned,
but we continue to stumble forward
because we believe.

Don’t stop believin.

III
Well,
It’s been fun.
Actually, the fun never ends.
With you, the fun will never, ever end.

We’ve done everything together:
Laughing, crying, dancing, partying, singing, wandering, being bored,
Wild crazy nights of mayhem,
Causing destruction and chaos across town,
Even, just sitting around at home chilling.
Talking late into the night.
Keeping me company during lonely nights and days.
Warming me in the cold.
Listening to me. Consoling me.
Trusting me.

Friendship.

Love.

And that indescribable and unnamable connection that
goes beyond and above simply love:
The paragon of human connection.

So thank you.
Thank you for all that.
Wherever you are,
Wherever you will be,
You will be here.
Here
in my heart.
My memories of you,
My love for you
Forever keeps you in
My heart.

Remember that one time?
Yeah, that time.
Good times.
Thanks for that.

IV
These are tears.
This is a smile.
This I like to call joy.
This I think is sadness.
And this –
I now know what this is.
But I will never be able to fully express it:
Eternal Gratitude.

And so, it goes.
And you’re the only one who knows.

See you later.

This is Not a Goodbye, but

ahnulus — Wed, 19 May 2010 03:27:32 +0000

(This is my reflection of my high school years)
Part I
These are tears.
This is a smile.
This I like to call joy.
This I think is sadness.
And this –
I’m not sure what this is;
I have never truly been able to express it fully,
but I think they call it Gratitude.

So, this is a “Thank You,”
an “I love you,”
a “I’ll miss you,”
a “we’ll see each other again.”

But no good bye
because I don’t really believe in goodbyes,
We’ll all see each other again,
and we’ll laugh,
and we’ll sing,
and we’ll dance,
and we will cry
Together.
Together.

So long as we’re together,
We’re unlimited.

Siddhartha

ahnulus — Wed, 19 May 2010 03:26:11 +0000

Though born from mortal womb as mortal man,
as god enlightened sits among the stars.
Unteach’ble knowledge taught through eight-fold path.
The middle path he took. In Bodhi sat,
to see the Truth, that all is one and one
can not exist; that none can understand.

His birth had myst’ry none could understand.
As strange as births of gods for destined man.
On lotus flowers walked he, one by one.
A child for greatness grew with watching stars.
But ignorant in royalty he sat.
Until his eyes were opened; pushed on the path.

He left his home to travel the suff’ring path.
He thought he learned, but couldn’t understand
where Truth lies. Try he did, in hunger sat,
but suff’ring only makes a wretched man.
Dissatisfied he grew, and cursed the stars;
Rebelled again, and left to seek the one.

In town he begged for alms and into one
with love drew close: a woman tempts his path
with wealth, indulgence. Love has come from stars.
He learned with love what few can understand.
But wisdom sought, no love could teach to man,
he realized, and ran from where he sat.

Escape he tried, until by river sat;
Death was, he thought, the only way from th’one
he came to hate: himself. He saw the man
reflected. Almost kissing death, his path
revealed what he had failed to understand.
In silence, aum still rings in th’Earth and stars.

The river gave that day new life from stars.
In him was where the truth has always sat.
No knowledge, learned, could let him understand.
Enlightened ferryman, he guided one
and many. Taught he knowledge learned on path.
Ascend as god; and mortal died as man.

Though many tried to follow his path to stars,
and only few could understand this man,
the Truth as one still sits in every soul.

Fanfare to the Insignificant

ahnulus — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 02:52:14 +0000

an emerald Jewel from the cold brown earth;
a patch of Life among the dead corpses.
the frigid Wind may blow;
the towering canopy may fall,
yet You shine on ever brilliantly
Green.

though Insignificant, often unnoticed,
far too often ignored, and trod on;
You are the most powerful.
You procreate the deep dark forests.
You build the colossal mountains.
You till the Earth to her glorious fertility.
You bring stability to crushing tumult.

lie there:
tolerate the ignorance,
await your time.
soon, all will revel in your power,
Young Moss.

Intertwine

ahnulus — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:41:53 +0000

We go on with
our lives,
holding on to
what we have.

We tremble forward,
We remember backward.
Tire tracks or footsteps,
(will be erased,
swallowed by the Darkness.)
It reminds us of
how we came, and
where we go.

our Friends
who walk
alongside us,
become
us.

every Touch, every
Caress,
every Fingerprint
digs into our fragile
Souls.
and fills the Soul with
their Love, their
Care,
their Joys.

even when the tracks –
We are consumed by
the Darkness,
Their Light shines on.